Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
