I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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