This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
