never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I have fence marks all over my body
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
