I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
