His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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