Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
