Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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