just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
