Kiss
Puke
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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