Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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