If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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