i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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