oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
