Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
