I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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