Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
