It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
