I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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