I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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