If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
