i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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