I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
