Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
