The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Your penis caused this!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
