Did you just see the Batmobile???
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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