Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
