I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We're too hungover to prance.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize