Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
