Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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