you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
