I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
