you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I need to align my fucking chakras
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