I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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