well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
