He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
