I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
