You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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