Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
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i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
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Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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