I puked a lego.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just found puke in my bra..
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
