My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
