Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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