i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
A+ Viking dick
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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