I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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