Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
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I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
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I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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