i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
