Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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