I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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