I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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