i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
