He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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