i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
