Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
