I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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