I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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