Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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