Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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