the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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