I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
